Alignment Trumps All!

My mother passed away a few months ago.  Her illness was never diagnosed, but looking back at her symptoms I believe the “cause” of her death, if diagnosed properly, was Parkinson’s Dementia. The root cause, though, was that my mom had forgotten how Align with her Source.

Mom had been having minor slips of memory for a number of years, but they started to get worse about 3 years ago.  I had known that dementia causes memory loss, but it never occurred to me that other, more severe ,symptoms would accompany the memory loss.  When you think about it, this makes sense.  Dementia is caused by a deterioration of the brain.  The brain controls EVERYTHING in your body – your movement, your digestion, your breathing.  So I cared for, and watched for the last 6 months of mom’s life, as her bodily systems shut down.  I watched as her balance, her movement, her digestion, even her ability to swallow which we take for granted, all become more and more difficult for her.  She became bedridden – because the brain functionality had deteriorated to the point where she had no balance and couldn’t control her muscles.  Simple movements like sitting up or standing became a distant memory.

I spent a lot of time with mom after she became ill.  I quit my job so I could spend more time with her.  And we would talk, because I don’t think anyone else was really talking or listening to her.  We talked about Life, and God and the Soul.  We talked about why we were here. We talked about what made life worth living.

I asked her what she was most proud of accomplishing.  That was easy for her to answer.  She was really proud of her kids, me and especially my brother.  She would speak of him with so much pride in her voice.  He has a thriving business and is philanthropically minded.  She was also proud of her business. Mom had started a real estate business with a business partner whom she truly cared for.  The business had done well enough, so there were no regrets there.

But when I asked her what she thought her life purpose was, she didn’t have an answer.  It became apparent to me (and her) that either she never really thought about it, or she never figured out what it was.

When mom became bedridden, I started asking her slightly different questions.  I asked her if she was afraid.  No, she replied.  She told me she had been seeing her [deceased] sister, and she seemed to know that her sister and her granddaughter would be waiting for her on the other side.

Then I asked her if there was something that she regretted not doing in her life, or if there was something missing in her life.  She became silent at that point.  Slowly as if trying to capture a memory, she said that she thought she lost something.  I asked what was it, what did you lose?  She said she didn’t know.  I asked her when did you lose it?  She again said she didn’t know.  And I but she had it when it was little, but she later lost it but she didn’t remember when.  Again I asked her what was it, what did you lose?  She again said that she did not know.  I asked if you know that you lost something, why didn’t you ever look for it?  She said she didn’t know.  At that moment, I felt very sad for my mother because she had lost something that was integral and vital to her, but she didn’t have the courage to figure out what it was or to look for it.

You see, my mother was the kind of person who cared about appearances, and what people thought of her, or said about her.  Everything was about outer appearances, and she was pretty adept at controlling what people around her saw.  From the outside, everything looked perfect.  But on the inside she was haunted by the knowledge that she had lost a vital part of herself early in her life, and she didn’t know how to get it back.  And because everything on the outside seemed fine, she never felt that what was missing inside her was worth finding or fighting for.

Growing up, I (and others who were close to her) had sensed that something foundational was “missing” in mom.  She would do things and then pat herself on the back for being a “good person”.  But then she would have to ask me if she was a good person.  It was as if she didn’t really know if she was a good person.  And sometimes she would do things that a “good person” wouldn’t have done.  She didn’t seem to have an internal moral compass. As I got older, I realized that mom didn’t know who she was, and was operating under a set of learned rules that she considered “good person” rules.  The problem was that sometimes she would change those rules to justify something she wanted.  Some of the things she did were really confusing to me as I was growing up.  And to make things worse, she wanted me to behave according to her rule book which, of course, didn’t work for me because it turns out that I do have a strong moral compass.

Fortunately for me, I started meditating.  I also found teachings like Seth, Abraham and Bashar.  It took time, but I learned how to get into “Alignment”, and more importantly, how detect when I was not in Alignment.  When you have this skill, you always know when something is off and you make adjustments accordingly.  When you are in Alignment, your actions come from a deep knowing, and not blindly following a set of arbitrary rules.  You realize that when you are not in Alignment, your actions stem from reacting to what is going on around you externally.  And when things outside of you are chaotic, resulting un-Aligned actions tend to be chaotic.

I believe what my mom lost was her natural ability to get into Alignment.  She lost touch with her Inner Being.  She got so used to doing what other people – her father, her mother-in-law, her husband, her business partner –  expected her to do that she never got to do what she really wanted to do. And she resented it all, causing her to become bitter and depressed, with a deep sense of loss.

Holding her hand as my mother took her last breathes, I realized that our Inner Being is always there, even if we forget where it is.  When mom finally passed over, I felt her Spirit expand as it left the confinement of her body, into boundless Joy and Light.  I was finally able to connect to who she truly was, and I knew in that moment that she had finally found perfect Alignment once again.

 

~ by Sheri Lee on May 20, 2019.

One Response to “Alignment Trumps All!”

  1. Sherilee –
    yes, that’s exactly how it is – it everything gets pared down to that most basic experience – I’ve lost something, or I AM lost and I want to go home.
    To us, it seems like they are off track, but they are really inching their way back “Home.”

    I like the idea of the “good person” rules. I’m dealing with that in my illustrations right now, I call it “compensating.”

    Rani

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: